Hilarious Quotes
They say the more you laugh, the longer you live. With that logic, these hilarious quotes can add more hours to your life.
Laughter is often touted as the best medicine for good health, and a sense of humor can get you through some tough spots. You don’t need a reason to laugh, yet most people find it hard to get any time to indulge in mirth and joy for even a few minutes in a day.
Here are some hilarious quotes by notable men and women that will make you smile. Let’s start with the best of the best.
Most Hilarious Quotes
1.) My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Mitch Hedberg
2.) A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me; I’m afraid of widths.
Steven Wright
3.) It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld – You might like our “Happy Fesitvus” page.
4.) If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.
Theodore Roosevelt
5.) A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin
6.) Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them and have their shoes.
Jack Handey
7.) Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.
Abraham Lincoln
Humorous Sayings
8.) A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
9.) I distrust camels and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
Joe E. Lewis
10.) Half the people in Hollywood are dying to be discovered and the other half are afraid they will be.
Lionel Barrymore
11.) I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.
Robert Benchley
12.) Of course, women don’t work as hard as men. They get it right the first time.
Unknown
13.) I’m all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let’s start with typewriters.
Frank Lloyd Wright
14.) I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.
Oscar Wilde
Hilarious Sayings
15.) Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
Oscar Wilde
16.) He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce, I keep the house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
17.) All my life, I thought air was free until I bought a bag of chips.
Unknown
18.) Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.
Tommy Cooper
19.) I cook with wine, and sometimes I even add it to the food.
W. C. Fields
20.) Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
David Rosam
21.) You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.
Franklin P. Jones
22.) I was asked to name all the presidents. I thought they already had names.
Demitri Martin
23.) You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen; it said ‘Parking Fine’.
Tommy Cooper
See our collection of Funny Birthday Quotes.
Funny Short Quotes
24.) Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Dave Barry
25.) An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough.
Stephen Colbert
26.) I’m an idealist. I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.
Carl Sandburg
27.) If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blanket back to your side.
Stuart Turner
28.) Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.
Victor Hugo
29.) The public will believe anything so long as it is not founded on truth.
Dame Edith Sitwell
Witty Quotes
30.) I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Steven Wright
31.) Some people just need a high-five in the face with a chair.
Unknown
32.) I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention.
Ron Kittle
33.) I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
Rodney Dangerfield
34.) Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them as much.
Oscar Wilde
35.) The truth will set you free, but first, it will piss you off.
Joe Klaas
36.) Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.
Mallory Hopkins
See our Funny Graduation Quotes.
Humorous Quotations
37.) There’s an old saying about those who forget history. I don’t remember it, but it’s good.
Stephen Colbert
38.) First, the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
Steve Martin
39.) Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often.
Mark Twain
40.) One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
George Carlin
41.) I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn’t.
James Holt McGavra
42.) I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
Mitch Hedberg
43.) Politics: ‘Poli’ a Latin word meaning ’many’; and ’tics ’ meaning ’bloodsucking creatures’.
Robin Williams
Note: If you have suggestions for some funny quotes, please let us know via the Contact page. Thanks.
Quote of the Day to Make you Laugh
42.) A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.
Robert Frost
43.) The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
H.V. Prochnow
44.) Some people aren’t just missing the odd screw. The whole freakin’ toolbox is gone.
Unknown
45.) I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won’t fall down.
Mitch Hedberg
46.) If the dead talk to you, you are a spiritualist; if God talks to you, you are a schizophrenic.
Thomas Szasz
47.) True friends don’t judge each other. They judge people together.
Unknown
48.) Marry the one who gives you the same feeling you get when you see food coming at a restaurant.
Unknown
49.) I believe in the discipline of silence and could talk for hours about it.
George Bernard Shaw
50.) Women spend their whole life to find the right man just to tell him every day that he is wrong.
Unknown
You might also like our funny jokes page.
Funny Facebook Quotes
51.) Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.
Ken Dodd
52.) Some cause happiness wherever they go, others whenever they go.
Oscar Wilde
53.) Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, electrons, and neutrons. They forget to mention morons.
Unknown
54.) I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
W.C. Fields
55.) I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth
56.) Our family is just one tent away from a full-blown circus.
Unknown
57.) The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Jon Hammond
58.) I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.
Groucho Marx
Silly Quotes
59.) I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Emo Philips
60.) Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?
Bill Murray
61.) Just because I give you advice, it doesn’t mean I know more than you, it just means I’ve done more stupid stuff.
Unknown
62.) I have Alzheimer’s bulimia – first, I eat everything in sight, and then I forget to puke.
Cindy from Marzahn
63.) You don’t have to be smart to laugh at farts but you have to be stupid not to.
Louis CK
64.) I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
Chris Rock
65.) My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
Unknown
66.) I was so drunk I thought a tube of toothpaste was astronaut food.
Will Ferell
67.) The three rings of marriage are the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.
Unknown
68.) I bet giraffes don’t even know what farts smell like.
Bill Murray
Tip: These hilarious quotes make great photo captions on Facebook.
Hilarious Quotes and Catch Phrases
69.) Marriage is the proof of the existence of cosmic humor!
Unknown
70.) My level of maturity depends on who I’m with.
Unknown
71.) Are you Google? Because you have everything I’m searching for.
Unknown
72.) You can’t make everybody happy. You aren’t a jar of Nutella.
Unknown
73.) You don’t know what you have until it’s gone. For example, toilet paper.
Unknown
74.) Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams
75.) Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Don Marquis
76.) You are going to be fine; you come from a strong line of lunatics.
Unknown
77.) When they asked George Washington for his ID, he just took out a quarter.
Stephen Wright
Laugh Out Loud
78.) My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.
Rose (Betty White), The Golden Girls
79.) People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
Isaac Asimo
80.) I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
Mark Twain
81.) Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein
82.) Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don’t have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!
Charlie Brown
83.) When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.
Cathy Guisewite
85.) I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Rita Rudner
Funny Comedians
86.) You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor instead of by the police.
Joan Rivers
87.) You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
George Burns
88.) I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld
89.) When your mother asks, Do you want a piece of advice? It is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.
Erma Bombeck
90.) Happiness is having a large, caring, close-knit family in another city.
George Burns
91.) Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.
Groucho Marx
92.) Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.
Will Ferrell
Amusing Quotes
93.) Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin
94.) A woman is like a tea bag. You can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.
Eleanor Roosevelt
95.) Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.
Unknown
96.) Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.
Charles M. Schulz
97.) I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka and have a party.
Ron White
98.) By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.
Robert Frost
99.) My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.
Caroline Rhea
100.) I am an early bird and a night owl… so I am wise and I have worms.
Michael Scott, The Office
101.) There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
Oscar Levant
Funny Family Quotes
102.) There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.
Jerry Seinfeld
103.) In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.
Fran Lebowitz
104.) Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes.
P.J. O’Rourke
105.) Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
Isaac Asimov
Playful Hilarious Quotes
106.) I’m not good at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?
Chandler Bing, Friends
107.) A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.
Graham Norton
108.) Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends. Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends, I need an Ouija board.
Betty White
109.) All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.
Charles M. Schulz
Funny Inspirational Quotes
110.) Every day, I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.
Robert Orben
111.) The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.
James Branch Cabell
112.) Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.
Don Herold
113.) The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary.
Vince Lombardi
114.) I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
By Michael O’Halloran
Michael O’Halloran founded Greeting Card Poet in 2014 and has worked as its publisher and editor ever since. He has co-authored four books on kids’ trivia and four on coaching. Previously, Michael was the president of Magnetic Poetry. He has invented and brought over 75 new gift and toy products to market, most of which deal with wordplay. Mike is married and a father of four daughters.
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